Am I Whitney and Mariah from The Prince of Egypt soundtrack? Because this week felt like a miracle. A MIRACLE OF LIGHTS AND POUNDS LOST PROPHESIED BY THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OPRAH. Ok, maybe not that, but I had a raucous birthday party and I didn’t gain weight. I LOST 5 lbs. Let me try to explain.

Weight Watchers always talks about planning. If you’re going to a restaurant, look at the menu ahead of time, do meal prep, plan to drink a glass of water in between every drink, plan what your indulgences will be, etc etc. This week, I KNEW that I was going to do whatever I wanted at my birthday party. I’m naturally a fairly spontaneous person and for that night, I didn’t want to feel guilty about that.  I decided to not count my points just this one weekend, because it was a planned indulgence. An indulgence of an ungodly number of adult beverages, cheeseballs, onion dip, cheeseballs IN onion dip, cheese balls in onion dip floating in adult beverages... You get the picture. However, because I knew I was gonna get crunk and GO CRAZY ( jk, we just danced a lot) at this party, I was adamant about working out and being 4 below my daily points every day so they would roll over.

Generally, I’d have lied to myself and said, “I’m only going to have two drinks on my birthday party and I’ll eat salads all day, so I can eat what I want that week.”... which would have turned into 6 sugary drinks I hadn’t planned for, maybe some shotts, a few impromptu appetizers and a drunk munchies sandwich WITH fries AND ranch plz at the end of the night. I would’ve felt guilty the next day and set back my goal. Anticipating that this would be my behavior and also deciding this was something I wanted to indulge in, I planned around it the days before and after. It was almost like working really hard to save money for a nice trip. I went on the trip, mentally prepared myself for the trip and didn’t feel deprived or guilty because I got to take the trip. Oprah takes lots of trips, so this analogy clearly ties in well.

My weight loss miracle was completely mental. If you feel deprived, it is way more likely you’ll make poor choices. Especialy when alcohol is involved, those poor choices kind of compound until you ignore/forget the fact you were even trying to be healthy at all. This leads to making more impulsive decisions ( ie-Seamlessing like 3 meals at once bc you’re drunk and “so hungry”…. I’ve done it.), feeling guilty about those poor decisions and continuing to make poor decisions because you’ve lost yourself. Being realistic with yourself is the best way to bypass this.

If a new behavior is SO outlandish and SO different from something you’re used to, you can’t just jump into it or it won’t stick. You have to test the waters first, get comfortable and learn the best way to swim without your cute little floaties. Otherwise you’ll jump into the freezing water, scream a lot and then barrel out of it with your boob out of your bikini top. Nobody wants that, ok? Take care of yourself and don’t beat yourself up. Oprah wouldn’t want that.

This Week's HOT Takes:

  • DRINK ENOUGH WATER. It helps you lose weight. A trainer at Equinox once told me you should be drinking half of your body weight in ounces, more if you exercise. So if you’re 200lbs, you should be drinking at least 100oz of water per day. I LOVE these water bottles because they’re light and hold a lot.

  • Pre- hard boiled eggs are 0 points and make for a great lunch, even by themselves. They’re sold pretty much anywhere and are great if you’re unable to even cook an egg, like myself.

  • If you’re a cream cheese junkie, like myself, get whipped cream cheese--- it feels like you’re eating more, but for less points.

Be Fit Like Olivia Benson

Remember when I said next week I’d talk to you about how to be a lush and stay course? Well, here’s the course (<---)................and here (----------------------->) is me the week before last. Like, so far away from Oprah I couldn’t even hear her loud, booming voice that should truly be able to be heard anywhere on earth.  I didn’t even post anything because I actually ended up gaining 3 lbs and was a little embarrassed that it was only week 3. However, I am learning through this program, that when you feel like this, or when you feel like you’ve “failed” is when it’s most important to discuss what happened. 

In one of my meetings, someone's goal was: Even when I know that I have gained weight or I haven’t had the most healthy week, I will force myself to go to the meeting.  When I went to my meeting last week and the scale showed I’d gone up 3 lbs from a weekend at home with family it didn’t surprise me, but the fact that I had still gone to the meeting is also somehow what motivated me to stick to my goal for the following week.  I didn’t feel ashamed per say (cuz it was my BIRTHDAY Y’ALL and we all know there’s no such thing as points or calories or a body on your birthday), but it did make me take a look back at the patterns or habits that had lead me to a place where I wasn’t making super healthy choices.  

Whenever I’m at home with my family, most of what we do, other than binge watch endless Law & Order: SVU episodes and show each other dog memes, is talk about eating our next meal. Since being with family and watching hella fit Olivia Benson kill it all day every day feels like a relaxing vacation to me, I associate “relaxing” with eating. Realizing that I made that association, the following weekend when I went to “relax” and my mind immediately went to eating, I used a tip from my leader and used a substitution for the ice cream and chips I wanted by eating veggies and zero points foods.  After a few carrots and a hard-boiled egg, I realized that I wasn’t really hungry and didn’t actually want to keep eating those things. So, I was forced to do something else to relax.

Clearly these associations and habits are different for everyone, but once you start to see some of yours it makes you feel a little less out of control. Figuring out why and how I’m eating has been one of the most beneficial parts of meetings for me, and I think it ultimately is/should be for everyone? Now, that doesn’t mean it’s not still a struggle every damn day to remind myself that I don’t actually physically NEED funyons, gummy worms and Talenti to watch Christopher Meloni look fine as hell as he can’t figure out his work life balance.

So this week, I might’ve been up 3 lbs, but REALLY I gained 3 lbs of knowledge. See what I did there? Whatever, I’m going to meet Oprah and you aren’t so I get to say all the really bad jokes I want.

NOW, frealz stay tuned for next time when I tell you how to be a freakin’ lush and be a skinny ass b*tch too. JK, skinny is a MAN made concept don’t get it twisted, but you CAN be fit like Olivia Benson. Dun dun.

Melinda's Meetings

You. Guys. WEEK ONE. Oprah feels so close, yet, so far away. I lost 4.6 lbs this week and attended my first meeting EVER. I’ve done Weight Watchers previously, but never the meetings because A) I was embarrassed to admit I was overweight and thought going to meetings was broadcasting it ( like people can’t see me?) and B) after watching THIS Little Britain sketch, it’s hard to take seriously. Listen, it’s still kind of hard to take seriously, my meeting leader Melinda really does use a big notepad and marker to boldly write things like “commitment” and “planning.” We get stickers for sharing our experiences, there are cheesy sayings with pictures of Oprah splashed across the walls, matching lime green chairs— the works. Normally my eyes would have rolled out of my head, past the WW branded mug cakes for sale in the lobby and down 23rd street, but I decided it's ok to think it's all a bit much and still give in. Why be too cool? Nobody ever lost weight being too cool. Unless they just did a shit ton of coke.

Gotta admit, I was equally as embarrassed about these meetings as I was skeptical. However, after sitting in a lime green chair beside Wall Oprah and other people who are working hard to change themselves, I realized it only feels embarrassing because society shames people for being overweight. That shame is what’s led me to eventually gain back weight many o' time and listening to others, I realized breaking out of that thought process is going to be the key to my success. (And to Oprah.)

This one girl cried her way through a story about being terrified to eat in front of people and how she never eats while walking down the street for fear of judgment. Many times she’d be running from work to after work activities with no time to eat, but wouldn’t dare crack open a granola bar, scared of people's side eye. “Of course the fat girl is eating. She has no control.” I cried with her, because I’ve felt that way before and because you should never have to feel ashamed of your existence. She’s lost 50 lbs so far and now eats an apple on her way home almost every day. I cried at that too. But what kind of episode of Oprah would this be if we didn’t cry AT LEAST twice?

Meetings may have felt embarrassing at first, but after hearing this cast of characters speak and feeling how supportive they are, I’m sold. I never spoke, just listened, and every time I almost made a less than great decision this week, I heard their stories or suggestions in my head. I really like them. Even the many women who are much much thinner than me--which I was not expecting. I also like the woman who can’t figure out how to eat enough points, the mother of the bride trying to fit into a dress for her daughter’s wedding and Ralph who looks/sounds like a chorus boy from Jersey Boys and constantly says, “I need to do what’s right for Ralph.” He’s right. Only in my case, I need to do what’s right for Oprah. And what’s right for Oprah is to keep going to these meetings because accountability is 100% the reason I lost weight this week.

This Week's HOT Takes:

  • Weight Watchers 0 Point Noodles. I think they taste great and really simulate regular pasta.
  • Tomato sauce is 0 points. You can add lean ground turkey (0) and onions(0) easily, plus the 0 WW pasta, & YOUR WHOLE FILLING, YUMMY MEAL, is 0 points.
  • This 3 Point BAGEL recipe. (Can be made GF, like I did) It's ACTUALLY great.
  • Use Non-Fat Greek yogurt (0) as a replacement for literally anything: sour cream, cream, cheese. It will make any dish creamier and more filling. My fav is Fage 0%.

Stay tuned for next week when I talk more about being a gd lush and staying on course.

Do Weight Watchers to Meet Oprah

My 2018 New Years resolution is to meet Oprah.  I know you’re supposed to choose something you can truly manifest for yourself, or a goal that feels moderately attainable so you don’t max out trying, but eff that. I am going to manifest the sh*t out of Oprah. PLUS, it just so happens that my other 2018 goal was to finally, for the first time in my life, stick to a weight loss program and feel healthy/ good about my body. Which, truth be told the latter feels MUCH less realistic than actually meeting the one and only, future president of the United States of OWN, Oprah Winfrey. Clearly there is only one realistic, not over the top, logical way to achieve both goals.


Do Weight Watchers to meet Oprah.


If there’s one thing I know about Oprah, other than that she has the world’s most supple skin curated from specialized Japanese silk worms, is that she too has struggled with weight her whole life.  She’s always been a guiding light to me, reminding me that, no matter my size I can still become the most powerful, respected, wealthy, classic, iconic and beautiful woman in the world, be friends with Beyonce, scream about loving bread and still love my body the way it is.  So, I will.

The onnnnnlllllyyyyyyy slight differences between Oprah and myself are that I’m not the wealthiest woman in the free world and I’m a single lady living in NYC where social temptation tends to rule over healthy choices. IE, your girl likes to go OUT and like many people in New york, socializing is somewhat integral to her career growth. Plus, for a single gal, meal prep doesn’t always pan out like it does for someone with a family (posse) or a couple (Stedman), because you basically end up eating the same chili for two weeks until you’re worried the meat has gone bad and it has and you have food poisoning now, thanks CLEAN EATING. So if you're like me, a lot of health and weight loss blogs out there don't really apply to a single city lifestyle. Add in the cost of living in NYC and you’ve got yourself a weight loss equation that even Anthony Hopkins in that math movie with Jake Gyllenhaal couldn’t solve.

Lucky for me I have supportive friends, one of whom has already threatened to “cut all ties” from me if I do meet Oprah and don’t invite her. So, the stakes are high even if I do accomplish this challenge, but the points are low. Very low. Not enough cocktails low.

Stick around if you're a good person who likes watching people achieve their dreams and you want someone to commiserate and compare hot takes with on the new Weight Watchers Freestyle program/ Oprah's pending presidential campaign. Stop reading if you're a true monster who hates happiness. Just like health, THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

Oprah… I’m coming.